I've had a lot going on these past couple of days, had some frightening experiences and my health took a rapid turn in the wrong direction, although I am thankfully doing much better now. I am lucky enough to have gone through many hard times before, which have shaped me into a person that doesn't break even when a situation looks like "Dayum how the hell does this even happen, I thought I seen everything". But I feel like anyone who has dealt with enough difficulties eventually develops an attitude that responds to life's biggest shits with "Is that the best you can do?" So yay me for having so much practice playing dodge ball with life shits, I feel so pro Dx
I honestly don't even know where I am going with this, but my head has been an absolute whirlwind the past few days and I feel like if I don't write things down I will just forget about them in the morning once I've sobered up Dx I guess I'm in one of those moments of clarity you get, after you've been emotionally punched in the gut and then go a couple of nights without sleep in a silent dark room drinking hot tea laced with sedatives. Moments like these don't happen all the time, and I feel like it is a real shame not to write things down when I'm totally nuts. xD
I guess I just wanted to remind everyone to keep going, keep being awesome, keep plowing through whatever troubles or personal demons you have right now, keep growing and learning and eat good food and take care of yourselves, goddamnit. You need your body in the best shape it can be, so that when those moments come, when life takes everything from you and leaves you gasping in some kind of empty shell, you can afford to not eat anything except alcohol for a month and still recover. Prepare for some kind of personal apocalypse, is what I'm sayin. Stock up the canned goods and build yourself an arsenal because you'll need it. O_O
These days, you need to watch out for all those crazy insidious emotions. The ones that create no fevers. No rash. Nothing that can be proved in a blood test. Just a sloooow erosion of the self, as deadly as any cancer. The kind of inner pain that is truly a personal experience. A dark room in hell with only your name on the door.
Blaarrgh man I am just throwing up words all over this screen I'm probably not making any sense at all lol. Is there a theme to this essay? Goddang!
I tend to forget that there are billions and BILLIONS of living things on this planet and that I am not alone. I mean, how cool is that? There was even a time when every one of us was dead, before we were even born. We were dead, and then we were born, and now will die again. I mean, I was already dead for billions and billions of years before I was born O_O
I know that I still have a lot of work to do on myself, to become a better person. I forget that we are all connected somehow, and that any pain or anger or love that I feel gets projected towards other people and changes them. There are things in life that definitely matter, things that I SHOULD be fighting and breathing for, but I end up getting distracted by all the noise around me.
Also, I bought these white sprinkles for cupcakes, and realized that if you smash em up a bit they look EXACTLY LIKE COCAINE OMG so I put them in a plastic baggy and laid them on the counter as a joke and my roommate was sooo worried, like, I probably should have done that during a time I wasn't being so self-destructive in the first place
I honestly have no idea why I started writing this journal so I'm gonna end it now.